


Real

by hjea



Category: 12 Monkeys (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-13 13:02:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15365262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hjea/pseuds/hjea
Summary: Set between 3x07 and 3x08. Cole and Cassie on encountering the reality of their son.





	Real

_“You want to mourn him? That’s fine. I can’t.”_

_“Because to you he’s just an idea. But I carried him. I saw him. For me he’s real.”_

**

“Well it’s real now.” 

Cassie dropped her vest on the bed and nodded distractedly. “Yeah it feels real enough. Do you think they’ll listen?” 

“Huh?” Cole blinked and shifted his gaze from the middle distance to focus on Cassie. “About what?” 

“Not coming after us.” 

“Oh.” Cole snorted. “Knowing Jones I wouldn’t bet on it. But it might take them a while to figure out how to track us. And Jennifer might try and stall. We should get some sleep while we can.” He fiddled with the clasps on the side of his own vest before sighing and shrugging it off. “We should keep these in reach though.” 

“Right. Okay.” Cassie stared at the vest for another moment before she shook herself and carefully laid it down on the floor. “Sorry, I’m exhausted. Cole…” she glanced toward him, biting her lip, “how are we going to find him?” 

“I don’t know, Cass.” Cole walked over and pressed a kiss to her hairline before he gently pressed her to sit on the bed. “But we can figure it out tomorrow.” 

Cassie nodded and tilted her head up to meet his eyes. “You saw him.” 

Cole rubbed a hand across his mouth. “I saw him before, Cassie.” 

“Yes but you--you saw him this time. You spoke to him. What was he like?” 

“He was… he looked like a terrified little boy. Looking up at a man holding a gun to his face for no good reason.” 

“He looks like you.” 

Cole smiled a little wryly, before his mouth twisted like he was trying not to cry. “Maybe,” he whispered. “But he’s got your eyes.” He drew in a shaky breath and stared at the ceiling, blinking rapidly before he could look at Cassie again. “He’s our son.” 

Cassie nodded. “So that’s what you meant. _He’s_ real now.” 

“Yeah, Cassie. He’s real all right. Too goddamn real.” 

Cassie reached up to grab his hand and squeezed it. “Hey. I want to show you something.” She patted the opposite side of the bed and waited as Cole walked around it to sit beside her, then switched on the bedside light. “We haven’t been many places with a lot of extra light. Maybe you haven’t seen.” She hesitated, and then pulled her shirt over her head. “Do you see?” 

Cole’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. “Uh…” 

Cassie reached for his hand again and brought it to her side, tracing his fingers across faint purple lines marking her lower stomach, and Cole’s face cleared in understanding. 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah.” Cassie nodded. “When I went into labour I had this crazy idea that if I could hide the fact, then I could wait until night when they didn’t check on me as often and, I don’t know, keep him from them somehow. But the pain got so bad I started screaming and it was all over.” She swallowed. “And here.” She reached around her back to unclasp her bra and let it fall on the bed, moving his hand to brush against the stretch marks on the side of her breast. “My milk came in two days after they took him from me. It dried up quickly--obviously I never fed him--but it hurt. Not as much as childbirth, but… it all hurt.” 

Cole dropped his hand and dug his fingers painfully into the bed covers. “ _Jesus, Cassie._ I should have found you sooner. Got you out. Got you both out.” 

“James.” Cassie’s voice beseeched softly. “Look at me, please.” 

Cassie’s eyes were filled with tears, but she squared her jaw and met Cole’s gaze straight on. “I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, or… get stuck in what they did to me. I just want you to see why I can’t forget that he’s real, and that he’s ours. Whatever he’s supposed to become one day, he was our baby first. I mean, _God_ ,” she rolled her eyes, “I only gave birth four months ago. Somewhere out there he’s still just a baby.” 

“We won’t get him back that way,” Cole whispered, “not anymore.” 

“I know.” Cassie blew out her breath. “I just want him back. I don’t care how old he is, as long as I can tell him that I’m sorry, and that I love him, and how much I want to keep him safe. And then maybe if he knows all that he won’t—“ 

“—We’ll tell him. We both will.” Cole nodded at Cassie. “I promise. But we gotta find him first. And sleep before that. Okay?” 

Cassie smiled, a little weakly, but nodded in agreement before she pulled her shirt back on and eased herself between the covers. She watched as Cole did a quick circuit through the hotel room, checking the door and windows, and that the vests were still within easy reach, before he joined her in the bed, carefully curling around her back. 

“Cass?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Thanks… for telling me, or showing me.” 

Cassie rolled toward him and fitted her head against his shoulder. “Thank you for listening. And being here.” Her arm draped across his waist and pulled him tightly. “You’re a good man. And our son can grow up to be a good man too.” 

“I know. Or I know now. When I looked into his eyes, _Athan_ …” He felt Cassie wince and gently smoothed a hand across her shoulder, “ _I know._ When I really saw him I knew. And we just have to find him and… give him that choice.” 

“We’ll find him.” Cassie murmured, her breathing slowing and evening out as she began to fall asleep. 

“Yeah.” Cole whispered back. “We’ll see him soon.”

**Author's Note:**

> I just watched this entire show in a week, and in a haze of emotions suddenly needed to dust off my rusty (SO RUSTY) fic-writing skills and just dive into the angst. 
> 
> While I thought the show did a really good job of dealing with the emotional fall out of Cassie's pregnancy, I thought it would be interesting to explore the physical impact that having a baby and then immediately losing him would also leave on her body. Beyond Olivia's little "you bounce back quick" quip, the show never really addressed the fact that Cassie would have also been walking around, carrying these very real _painful_ reminders of the child she just lost. Oof.


End file.
